


a death for a life, a life for a lie

by myrddinthewizard



Series: how to love a liar [4]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mistrust, Sad Merlin, Unhealthy Relationships, angry arthur, no magic reveal, sad Arthur, you know the drill by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28324623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard
Summary: Merlin leaned against the railing, forcing Arthur to meet his gaze. “Don’t lie to me, Arthur.”“Right. That’s your job, isn’t it?” The words left Arthur’s mouth before he considered the damage it would cause. Before he considered the fight he was probably starting.Merlin tensed immediately, his eyes going dark. “Excuse me?”(aka how arthur finds out the truth about his mother’s death)
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), minor Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin) - Relationship
Series: how to love a liar [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058711
Comments: 17
Kudos: 144





	a death for a life, a life for a lie

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC
> 
> (makes sense if you read the series in order)

> _“Morgause is lying! She's an enchantress. She tricked you. That was not your mother you saw. That was an illusion. Everything your mother said to you, those were Morgause's words.”_ \- Merlin to Arthur

Arthur dropped his head back, thudding against the thick back of his throne. Merlin and Gwen were crowded in the corner of the throne room, whispering to each other. Arthur watched as Merlin’s eyes twinkled with mischief and Gwen’s cheeks flushed red. The two glanced over at the knights— Lancelot, Arthur realized— and Merlin nudged Gwen. 

Lancelot, as if sensing their attention, glanced up and met Gwen’s gaze. He offered her a small smile and Gwen returned it, her eyes fond. Arthur ached at the sight. He was happy for them. Truly. But something about the innocent starting of something more was nostalgic. He missed when Merlin and he were just starting out. When there were just flirty touches and shared smiles and blushing cheeks. 

It seemed like in the past few weeks a void had expanded between them and whenever they dared to cross, it ended in nothing but fights. Arthur hadn’t truly felt like he could relax around Merlin. It was stupid, really. Merlin had a right to his privacy and didn’t owe Arthur any explanations but the thought of Merlin meeting his gaze and just lying sent something cold curling in his chest.

He refocused his gaze and found that Merlin was watching him. His eyes filled with worry. He raised an eyebrow, tilting his head slightly to the left. Arthur hastily realized that he must have been showing his emotions and wiped his face blank. Offering a reassuring smile, he turned back to the court members who were discussing something Arthur had no idea about before him.

He didn’t dare look back at Merlin. Arthur knew that Merlin knew him better than anyone. And that Merlin knew that the smile was fake. And honestly, Arthur wasn’t in the mood to talk to Merlin about it. He’d get over it. He always did.

* * *

“What’s wrong?”

Arthur stifled a curse under his breath. He had escaped to the highest towers of the castle in the hopes that no one would bother him. He should’ve known Merlin never took any social cues. “Nothing.”

Merlin leaned against the railing, forcing Arthur to meet his gaze. “Don’t lie to me, Arthur.”

“Right. That’s your job, isn’t it?” The words left Arthur’s mouth before he considered the damage it would cause. Before he considered the fight he was probably starting.

Merlin tensed immediately, his eyes going dark. “Excuse me?”

Arthur pressed his lips together, looking away. Letting out a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm his heart rate.

“Arthur.” Merlin stepped forward, placing a hand on Arthur’s bicep.

Arthur jerked away. “Don’t–don’t do this. Look, I’m not in the mood.”

“In the mood for what? Arthur, what is wrong?” Merlin hesitated, like he was planning on touching Arthur again but then moved back. “Is this about tomorrow? I already cleared your schedule so you can relax.”

“Don’t. I have work to do. I never asked you to clear my schedule.” Arthur sniped, uncaring about the way Merlin flinched at his harsh tone.

“You did last year. And the year before that. You told me that—”

“That what?” Arthur whirled on Merlin. “Since when do you even listen to what I have to say?”

Merlin moved back, furrowing his eyebrows. He stared at Arthur for a moment before shaking his head. “Alright. You clearly need some rest. George will look after you. I promised Gwen I’d help her with something before dinner. We’ll talk later, yeah? I’m not talking to you when you’re like this.”

Arthur scoffed. “Help Gwen with something?”

Merlin turned away. “Yeah, Arthur. I’ll see you after dinner. Maybe you can calm down and tell me what’s wrong by then.”

Merlin left before Arthur could even think of a response. Arthur groaned and turned back on his heel to look over the railing. From this viewpoint, he could see the bustling street of the lower town as people packed up their shops and headed home to their families. His eyes caught on a couple that was packing up the pastry shop. He watched as the two joked and laughed. And even though Arthur couldn’t hear them, their laughter echoed through his mind. A taunting reminder of what he and Merlin had once been.

* * *

“Look, it’s nothing.”

Merlin scoffed. “Are you serious right now? Did you see the way Lancelot looked at you today? Please, he had literal heart eyes.”

Gwen rolled her eyes, snatching up her sewing kit so she could mend the laundry. “He did not. He sees me as a little sister or something.”

“If that was the case, I feel bad for all sisters out there. Does Elyan look at you like that?”

“Ok, first of all, ew. Second of all, I’m older than Elyan so it doesn’t count.”

Merlin quickly finished off his knot and re-threading the yarn. “Same concept. Lancelot’s been in love with you for as long as I can remember. He’s way too noble to make the first move so talk to him.”

Gwen shot Merlin a look. “Really? You’re giving me relationship advice? The same guy who came moaning to me that Arthur only sees him as a servant and nothing more? You’re kidding.”

“Oh, don’t even. Arthur’s emotionally constipated so you can’t blame me.” Merlin looked down, trying to swell the bitterness in his chest.

“Not when it comes to you. Have you seen the way he acts around you? Now that is the definition of ‘literal heart eyes’. Not whatever Lancelot’s doing,” Gwen said, tossing the mended shirt into the laundry basket.

Merlin hummed in response, holding up the shirt. “It’s not that bad, right?”

Gwen looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Unless you want the entire court to see his lower back, no. Trust me, Merlin. No one wants to see that.”

Merlin wrinkled his nose, flopping onto his back. “I much prefer washing clothes over mending them. Jesus, do these people work in a tornado?”

Gwen shoved Merlin with her foot. “Get up. It’s not like you have anything better to do. We both know that you don’t get any work done around Arthur.”

Merlin groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Right.”

Gwen paused, studying Merlin. “Oh no. Did something happen between you two?”

Merlin jerked up. “Did something? I don’t know, Gwen. Everything is just weird. I don’t know if it’s because his birthday’s coming up and with his mother and all but he’s been so much more snappy at me.”

Gwen pursed her lips, looking down. “Where is he now?”

Merlin shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s supposed to be writing his speech or something and I told George to look after him—”

“He’s with George?”

“Um, yeah?”

Gwen stared at Merlin. “What is wrong with you? What are you still doing here?”

Merlin scratched his jaw. “I’m helping you, remember? I don’t see what the problem is. I’ll talk to him after dinner and—”

Gwen snatched the clothes from Merlin’s hand. “Oh my god. Get out. Poor George. Arthur’s going to kill him. Go.”  
“Go? Come on, Gwen. I said that I would help.” Merlin argued, stealing the clothes back.

“You say one more word and I might think that you’re making excuses to avoid Arthur. Come on, Merlin. He’s obviously down with his birthday tomorrow and he needs you.”

Merlin sighed. “He doesn’t need me, Gwen. He pushes me away and—”

Gwen glared at Merlin. “Do you two never actually sit down and talk?” She leaned over and pushed Merlin away. “Go to him. If anyone can cheer Arthur up, it’s you. The last thing he needs is to be away from you. Go to him.”

Merlin hesitated. “Gwen—”

“I won’t ask you again. I’m almost done here anyway. Go, Merlin.” Gwen scrunched up her face and made a split-second decision. “If you go to Arthur right now, I’ll ask Lancelot out tomorrow.”

Merlin froze. “Shut up. Are you serious?”

Gwen laughed. “Get out.”

Merlin scrambled up. “I’m leaving. I’m leaving. Don’t back out, okay? The man loves you.”

Gwen rolled her eyes. “I hope so.”

Merlin winked and slipped out. Gwen scoffed and picked up the shirt again. How the two managed to stay together astounded Gwen. She only hoped that she and Lancelot could be as happy as the royal couple.

* * *

Arthur was genuinely about to throw George out of his window when the door slammed open revealing Merlin. He stalked forward and tugged at George’s jacket. “Thanks, George. You can go know.”

George, who was in the middle of moving Arthur’s armor into the chest at the foot of his bed, only glared at Merlin. If Arthur was being honest, after so many years of Merlin carelessly tossing his armor to the ground, he’d forgotten that there was an actual place for it. 

“Give me a minute, Merlin. Do you ever put his Majesty’s armor in the right place? It—”

Merlin waved George off, taking the armor. “No. And if Arthur has a problem, he’ll sack me. Get out, George.”

George opened his mouth, probably to complain again but Arthur was at the end of his line. “Oh, for god’s sake, George. Get out. Merlin can take it from here.”

George frowned, but let Merlin take the rest of the armor. George gave a stiff bow before turning on his heel and storming out. Merlin dumped the rest of the armor inside and shut the chest, seemingly unbothered about the fact that it didn’t close properly. 

“I cannot believe you, Merlin.” Arthur groaned. “You left me with George. George. I thought you were joking. I suffered through his stupid brass jokes for the past hour.”

Merlin only glared at Arthur. “Serves you right. We need to talk.”

Arthur snorted. “Do we? I thought you didn’t want to talk to me when I’m like this.”

“I really don’t but I’m getting sick and tired of Gwen and Lancelot and their stupid looks and unresolved romantic tension so I’m here.” Merlin snapped.

Arthur blinked. “What?”

“Nothing.” Merlin made his way to Arthur’s bed and threw himself on top of it. The two fell silent. After what felt like an eternity, Merlin spoke up again. “Do you still want me to clear your schedule tomorrow? Because if you’re that desperate for it, I’ll be more than happy to have the meeting in the morning.”

Arthur sat down at the edge of his bed. “Leave it. I’ll take the day off.”

Arthur watched as Merlin hummed, letting his eyes fall shut. His long eyelashes were prominent against his pale cheekbones and Arthur was instantly jealous of how quickly Merlin seemed to relax and relieve tension. Or perhaps, Merlin was simply better at hiding it than Arthur. 

Merlin patted the space next to him. “Lie down. You look like a startled deer sitting like that.”

“You can’t even see me.” Arthur rolled his eyes but crawled over to curl up on the bed beside Merlin.

“I know you, Arthur. Let me ask. Is this the type of situation where you mourn the day before rather than the day of or is there something else bothering you?”

“Who the hell mourns the day before?”

Merlin rolled onto his side, facing Arthur. “I do. Sometimes, at least. It’s the tension of knowing that the anniversary of something is coming up and it pulls you down. You usually don’t mourn for a day, you know. It’s just that general time.”

“You seem to know a lot. Lost a lot of people, yeah?” Arthur muttered.

Merlin paused, thinking. “Not much.”

“No? I mean, you lost your father, your childhood friend, your girlfriend. That’s no small number.”

Merlin internally cursed. He had forgotten that Arthur knew about that. It was scary in a way. That Merlin had gotten so used to keeping it from him he had forgotten that Arthur now knew. “I guess. At least I knew them all. You never met your mother.”

Arthur sighed. “You knew your father for just a couple of days, right? You have no idea what I would give to have just a day with her. To know what her voice sounded like. What she looked like.”

“You don’t know what she looks like? There were no paintings of her?”

Arthur chewed on his lip, thinking. “My father never talked about her. Now that I think about it, I did see her when we went after Morgouse. Even though her words were lies, I did see her. Hear her. Even if it was just for a few minutes.”

Merlin remembered that day. He could still remember the way Arthur had his sword to Uther’s neck and if Merlin had just stayed quiet then—

He inhaled sharply. He did the right thing. Arthur never would’ve forgiven himself had he killed his own father. But he couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened had he let it happen. Had Arthur realized that Uther was wrong and that magic was innocent. That Uther killed his mother, not magic. Oh, how Merlin ached to just tell Arthur everything.

“Merlin.”

Merlin jerked at Arthur’s voice. Arthur had rolled over, propping himself up on his elbows. His gaze was furrowed and worried. “What are you hiding?”

Merlin dropped back onto his back. “I’m not hiding anything. I was just thinking.”

Arthur’s gaze burned holes into his head and Merlin’s heart skipped a beat in his chest. And not in a good way. Arthur leaned closer. “Don’t lie to me.”

His voice was nothing but a harsh breath and Merlin shivered. This wasn’t the first time Merlin had lied to Arthur. Usually, he bought his flimsy excuses without a second thought but right now, Arthur’s gaze seemed to bore into his soul and Merlin felt more exposed than ever. “What?” _That’s your job, isn’t it?_

Arthur pushed himself up. “Don’t. Don’t do this. You wanted to talk, let’s talk. What are you hiding?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Arthur. What could I possibly be hiding?” Merlin snapped.

Arthur’s gaze faltered. “You-you’re keeping something from me. What were you just thinking about?”

“I was just thinking about that day. What are you talking about?” Merlin asked, praying to all the gods that Arthur wouldn’t press further. He really didn’t feel like explaining everything to Arthur. Would it help? Merlin thought back to Arthur’s words from all those days ago.

_After everything he has done, do you believe he deserves to live? He executes those who use magic, and yet he has used it himself. You have caused so much suffering and pain. I will put an end to that._

Merlin blinked back sudden tears. It was everything Merlin had wanted to hear. All Merlin had ever wished for was Arthur to realize that Uther was wrong and that magic was innocent. And what had Merlin done? He lied. And forced Arthur to hate him and everyone like him once more.

Arthur stared at him for a moment and then pulled back. “Oh. Ok, right. I’m sorry. I just thought—”

“Morgouse was telling the truth.” Merlin blurted out, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop it.

Arthur blinked, the words washing over him, but not really registering in his mind. “What?”

Merlin backed away, slipping off the bed. “Oh shit. What is wrong with me?”

“Morgouse was what?” Arthur stepped forward.

Merlin let out a sigh and faced Arthur. “Ok, listen. Um, I was going to tell you. I was. But you did hear your mother’s words. That wasn’t an illusion.”

Arthur stared, trying to wrap his mind around what Merlin was saying but he felt like he’d been spinning in circles and the entire world was about to topple sideways. “It wasn’t an illusion.”

Merlin winced. “No. Uther desperately wanted a child and sought out the use of magic to do it. He knew that it would require a life. A life for a life. But he did it anyway and so you were born of magic. And in return, your mother was taken.”

Arthur backed away. “No. No. _No._ What—”

“It might have been magic that took your mother but it was the same magic that brought you to life. Uther needed an heir and he might not have consciously done it, but he sacrificed your mother in the process.”

“Shut up. Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur growled, his breath coming in quick pants.

Merlin stepped forward. “Arthur—”

“Don’t. Don’t touch me. Are you serious? Morgouse wasn’t the liar. You were.”

“I was only trying to help, Arthur. You were going to kill your father. I wasn’t going to—”

A sudden wave of anger crashed over Arthur. “So what if I was? Who the hell gave you the right to stop me? Who gave you the right to make that decision for me?”

“Come on, Arthur.” Merlin pleaded. “You wouldn’t have wanted your reign to based off of patricide. You never would’ve forgiven yourself.”

Arthur scoffed. “Oh, don’t act like you know shit about me. That was my mother. You really believe that Uther deserved to live?”

“It’s not a matter of whether he deserved to live or not. He’s still your father.”

“He killed my mother. And you stopped me from killing him. You had no right. You–” Arthur broke off, frustrated beyond belief.

Merlin cautiously approached Arthur. “I’m sorry. I had to do something.”

Arthur swallowed roughly. “Ok fine. I get it. But why the hell didn’t you tell me afterward. When I wasn’t as prone to killing my father. It’s been years, Merlin.”

“I know. I know. I just- I wanted—” Merlin stuttered through his reply.

Arthur pressed his palm to his forehead, trying to take in even breathes. “You know better than anyone how it feels to grow up without a parent. You know how much I wanted to meet my mother and talk to her. And instead, you forced me to believe that the one time I actually saw her, it was a lie?”

“That was never my intention, Arthur.”

Arthur snorted loudly and pushed away from Merlin. “I don’t give a shit about your intentions, Merlin. That was my mother. You had no right to do what you did. Do you know how many lives could’ve been saved? How many sorcerers that my father murdered to try and forget about his own sins? How many innocent people I murdered becuase I foolishly believed him?”

Merlin moved to wipe the tears that were building up in his eyes. His hands went to clutch at his hair. “I—you don’t understand. I had to. That was never the way things were supposed to be. You can’t rush things and make decisions that you know nothing about. Uther, as terrible as he was, taught you valuable lessons.”

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Are you trying to defend yourself right now?” Arthur snarled.

“No. I’m not trying to do anything. I’m sorry that I never told you. I was only doing what I thought was best for you.”

“Yeah, that’s your problem, Merlin. You don’t know what’s best for me. Jesus, you’re my best friend. You’re my- my lover. You don’t get to make every decision for me. I’m the king. Not you.”

“I know that. You’re my king and I respect and follow you–” Merlin started.

“Then don’t lie to me. Don’t make all these stupid decisions without me because you think you know what’s best for me. I don’t care if you don’t tell me about your dead girlfriend or some other private crap but this affects the kingdom. This affects me. You cannot keep it from me.”

Merlin stepped back. “You don’t care?”

“Don’t. Don’t try to turn this around. You know exactly what I mean. This is what I’m talking about when I say that there’s King Arthur and there’s just Arthur. You told just Arthur about things that matter to you. But you have to also tell King Arthur about things that matter to the kingdom.”

“Didn’t we have this conversation before? I tell you everything that you need to know—”

“No, you don’t. What about this is so hard for you to understand. You didn’t tell me about Morgana or the stupid dragon or my mother, what else are you keeping from me?” Arthur snapped.

Merlin fell silent, just staring at Arthur. His eyes were wide and filled with unshed tears that sent a pang through Arthur’s heart. Arthur moved forward and grabbed Merlin’s hands. “Merlin. You can trust me. I know that you always have my best intentions at heart. I do. But you have to understand. You need to talk to me. I have to know what’s going on in my own kingdom. I can’t do that if you keep things like this from me.”

Merlin sniffled and looked away. “I know.”

“Do you?” Arthur asked. “Look at me. Don’t turn your head. You’re probably the only person in the kingdom who has more secrets about Camelot than me. There’s no reason for you to not tell me. If you have my best intentions, then what’s the harm?”

Merlin met his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just—” Merlin broke off, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. “That trust has to go both ways, yeah? I know I should’ve told you about your mother. I guess I didn’t think it was that important for you to know.”

“I don't care how insignificant it might feel. I want you to tell me.”

“I will,” Merlin promised. “But you have to trust that I’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

“That’s not what I—”

“I’ll tell you everything. Just trust me.”

Arthur laughed bitterly. “I feel like every time we fight, we always come to the same conclusion. I have to trust you. You’re right, that trust goes both ways. This is not a one-way street.”

“No.” Merlin agreed. “I trust you with my life. You know that.”

“I know. But do you trust me with anything else?”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Arthur pulled away. “Nothing. I’m going to get some rest, Merlin.”

“Of course. Let me—”

Arthur pushed Merlin away. “That’s okay. I want to sleep alone tonight.”

Merlin frowned. “Why?”

“No reason. You can go accompany Gauis for the night, yeah? I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“But—” Merlin started to protest. Arthur shoved Merlin out the door.

“Go, Merlin. Good night.” And before Merlin could reply, Arthur shut the door. 

He waited until he heard Merlin's footsteps walk away before he broke. A loud sob escaping his throat. He clasped a hand over his mouth, trying to muffle them. His own blood roared in his ears and it seemed like all the air was sucked from the room, leaving Arthur to gasp for something that wasn’t there.

Arthur could still remember that day like it was yesterday. The way he felt when his mother had curled up against him. The betrayed coursing through his veins when she looked into his eyes and told him that Uther had killed her. The stupid, guilty face of his father when Arthur confronted him. And Arthur could still remember the way the doors had burst open and Merlin had run inside.

_Morgouse was lying._

All the anger suddenly drained from him and his knees buckled, causing him to crash to the ground with a thud. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes hard enough for colors to burst behind his eyelids. And he cried and cried and let himself fill the room with the foolish drops of tears that seemed to waterfall down his cheeks.

And when he woke up the next morning, he was still laying against the door, the sun barley peeking over the horizon. He stood up shakily and wiped the dried tears from his face. And when a knock sounded on the door, George’s voice calling through, Arthur was never more relieved to not hear Merlin.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Author's Note:**

> Healthy Holidays! I hope you enjoyed this (or not because it wasn't supposed to be fun) <3


End file.
